Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramkrishnan has spoken of a period when he “didn’t want to look at himself in the mirror” and felt he was “going to die”, describing a breakdown during his time as a commentator that he links to racism and colour-based comments.Sivaramkrishnan, who played 25 international matches for India in a five-year career, said the struggle became intense during the IPL held in the UAE during the Covid-19 lockdown. “I was completely down and I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I couldn’t stand anything. Every time I woke up, I thought I was going to die.”He explained how his routine was disrupted during this phase. He would lock himself inside the house and track the time. “Sometimes when we were traveling in Dubai, there was no speed limit. If the car went too fast, something in my mind would tell me to open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything stupid,” the former India spinner told The Indian Express.Sleep became difficult, with frequent hallucinations. “You close your eyes, you see images you can’t even imagine. It’s all very scary. You open your eyes, nothing. But you’re so tired you want to sleep. You close your eyes for a while, then open your eyes again. That’s how you fall asleep.” He said that alcohol made the situation worse. “Each time, you manage to confuse yourself harder and harder. And you have the whole outside world saying, ‘See, I told you so.’ The reason is alcohol. I told you.Sivaramkrishnan said that the appearance issue affected opportunities even in his 23-year tenure as an observer. “I never did a toss or a presentation. I asked a producer why? He said, ‘We’ve been instructed by our bosses not to cast you.’ “It has to do with me not showing up,” he said. He added, “The most charismatic and the best in the business is Vijay Amritraj. Is he not in the dark?”He witnessed these experiences in his early years in cricket. At the age of 14, while serving as a net bowler at Chepauk, he was mistaken for the ground staff by a senior player. “I just looked at him and said, ‘It’s not my job,'” he said while talking to The Indian Express.He also spoke about the horrific ordeal of racism inside the Indian dressing room.Having previously been part of the Indian team that toured Pakistan, Sivaramkrishnan made his Test debut in Antigua in April 1983, where at the age of 17 years and 118 days he became the youngest player to play Test cricket for India at the time.The former India spinner has revealed that he spent a lot of time in the dressing room during the 1983 tour of West Indies where he made his debut in the Antigua Test.
He said that such comments affect his confidence over time. “Because of my darkness, people would dismiss me. Every time that happened, it was a painful feeling. I always wanted to forget, forget, forget, but deep down, it always took root and came out. All of these things brought me to a point where I had very little self-esteem at a young age… Trust is very hard to build.”On the contrary, he said he got acceptance during the West Indies tour. He spent time with players such as Malcolm Marshall and Desmond Haynes, who regularly took him out. “Everybody had dark skin. They were very happy people,” he said.He also recalled a conversation with Gordon Greenage, who spoke of facing similar problems in England. “He told me personally that I’ve been through it in England and that’s why I just mind my own business, play my cricket and just go.”
